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SARIS - Sexual Assault and Relationship Violence Information Service

Relationship Violence

What is Relationship Violence?

Relationship violence, Domestic violence and Dating violence
These terms define a relationship where there is a pattern of controlling and coercive behaviors that include physical, sexual and emotional abuse. Relationship violence happens to people of all races, genders, sexual orientations, classes, ages and abilities.

Victims and Survivors
People who have experienced sexual violence may identify as victims or survivors depending on where they are in the healing process. This term can have negative connotations by misrepresenting someone as passive, defeated and powerless. Because victims of sexual violence exhibit incredible strength, resiliency and ability to heal, we prefer to use the word survivor.

Survivor is a term that represents strength, empowerment, resiliency, healing and growth that each victim experiences in a unique way. We aim to help "victims" make the transition to "survivors" by regaining control of their lives and moving forward with the healing process.

Warning Signs of Relationship Violence
Sometimes a person that seems like a kind and loving partner can turn into someone who hurts, controls or scares you. Relationship violence is a pattern of behaviors that a person uses to maintain power and control over another person. The Duluth Power and Control wheel explains the types of behaviors that are used, including intimidation, emotional abuse, isolation, minimizing, denying, blaming, using children, using male privilege, economic abuse, coercion and threats.

Does your partner...?

  • Put you down, berate or belittle you. Call you stupid, ugly, or saying things like "no one else would love you, or put up with you like I do".
  • Control who you see and talk to. Prevent you from seeing friends, family or going places or talking to them on phone.
  • Hit, push, slap or throw things at you.
  • Harass, stalk or spy on you.
  • Make all of the decisions in your relationship - what to do when you are together, when you are alone and decisions about sex and intimacy.
  • Force or manipulate you to engage in sexual activity.
  • Make you feel unsafe or on edge.
  • Threaten to hurt themselves if you leave. Say that they can't live without you and they will kill themselves or cut themselves if you leave.
  • Threaten to hurt you emotionally and or physically. Blackmail or threaten to stalk you or saying things like "I'd kill you if you left me".

Cycle of Violence

There are many reasons why it is difficult for survivors to end or leave a relationship. The pattern of behaviors often occur in a cycle that adds to the survivor's confusion, fear and isolation.

Phase 1 - Tension building phase

This phase is also called "the calm before the storm" starting off calm but building tension and stress slowly. The perpetrator may pick fights, act jealous and possessive, criticize or threaten, act moody and unpredictable. The survivor tries to keep things peaceful by reasoning, calming and trying to appease the perpetrator. The survivor often keeps silent but starts to feel afraid and anxious.

Phase 2 - Crisis or violence phase

This phase consists of some incident of verbal abuse, sexual assault, physical assault, destruction of property or increased control or restraint of partner. Sometimes people outside the relationship, like family or police, find out that something is going on. Or the incident may go undetected by others and the survivor and perpetrator may be able to hide it. The survivor experiences fear and shock, trying to protect themselves by doing what is necessary to survive.

Phase 3 - Calmer or honeymoon phase

This phase follows the incident in phase 2 and is when the perpetrator is likely to ask for forgiveness for the abuse, promise to get help or never do it again and show regret with gifts and affection. The perpetrator minimizes or denies the abuse. At the same time, the survivor may feel loved, hopeful that it won't happen again and decide to forgive. The survivor may blame themselves, feel manipulated, and also minimize and deny the abuse. This phase can last for any amount of time before the cycle is back to phase 1, with tension building again.

Washington State Laws for Domestic Violence

The law in Washington state considers domestic violence to occur between "family or household members" that include people who have a relationship such as dating, roommates, spouses, a child in common or family relations by blood or marriage.

There are many crimes that can be categorized as domestic violence when they happen between people who have a relationship. They include but are not limited to: assault, reckless endangerment, coercion, burglary, trespass, kidnapping, rape and stalking.

For more complete information see the Revised Code of Washington (RCW) Title 10 Chapter 10 Washington Criminal Code.

The law is gender neutral and recognizes that domestic violence occurs between members of the same or opposite sex.

References

Adapted with permission, Eastside Domestic Violence Program