What can a parent do to help their son or daughter adjust to the
University? Here are a few tips that may help.
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Listen
Although students will interact daily with many faculty, advisors,
friends and acquaintances, when facing situations that are difficult,
don't be surprised if they turn to you for support and encouragement.
When, and if this happens, it is important to remember that one of the
most effective tools you have at your disposal is your ability to
listen carefully to what they are saying.
Communication studies show that non-judgmental listening is one of
the most important interventions a parent can make. When listening,
however, take care to avoid rushing in with quick-minded solutions.
Imposed solutions are frequently resisted with responses such as, "I
already tried that" or "Yeah, but you just don't understand."
Instead, after you're convinced you understand their situation, ask
them what solutions they have considered. You may be surprised to
discover that they are much closer to resolving the matter than you
may have realized.
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Stay informed
Staying informed about what is happening on campus can be a rewarding
experience for parents and at the same time make them important
resources. Knowing that mid-term examinations are about to begin or
that an important exam will be returned in the near future, for
example, can help parents understand why students may be acting edgy.
There are many resources on campus that can assist you in this regard
including the University's online campus
calendar, the campus newspaper's online edition and
numerous other sites that may be found on the UW home page.
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Stay in touch
Even though your son or daughter is totally immersed in their college
experience, it doesn't mean that their family is any less important to
them. Indeed, many students report needing their family's support
more than ever. Getting news from you, other family members and old
friends serves to tell them that they are still an important part of
the family and community from which they come. Nothing communicates
this more effectively than an email from home or a copy of a hometown
newspaper. When chocolate chip cookies are part of the deal, the
message is even stronger.
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Expect change
Most college students change significantly in their first few years at
the University. The pace of change may be rapid and evidence itself
on a first visit home or evolve slowly over an entire college career.
Regardless of the form it takes for your son or daughter, it is
inevitable. It may be reflected in preferences for clothing, changes
in academic major, or assertive new positions taken on political and
social issues. Strong preferences on one visit home may be replaced
by equally strong, but very different preferences the next visit.
In the life of a college student, these changes are normal. Although
it may be taxing at times, showing patience throughout the process may
have a surprisingly positive affect on your long-term relationship with
him or her. While your student is going through changes at school, it can
be difficult for them to accept changes in their home life. You might wait
a quarter or two before you turn your son or daughter's bedroom into a
walk-in closet or guest room. Before making major changes discuss them
with your student during one of their visits home.
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Don't panic when they panic
It is not unusual to receive a late night phone call from a college
student in a state of panic. The subject and circumstances may vary
widely from the discovery they are struggling doing college
level work, to the conclusion that they are disliked by
everyone. At these times it is especially important to remember that
once they have expressed all their fears and apprehensions, they will
feel better. You may not, but they will. Being especially
encouraging and supportive at these times will go a long way to help
them see that their problem may be more manageable than they thought.
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Consult with University professionals when you're
not quite sure what to do
University professionals are located at every juncture of a student's
life to assist with issues that interfere with their academic and
personal development. Those same services can be accessed by parents
and family members for consultation about how to deal with special
problem that may concern your son or daughter.
When accessing these services, however, it is important to remember
that Federal
Law prevents the institution from providing confidential
information about students unless the students themselves have
authorized it. Only information that is "public information" can be
shared, e.g., directory information.
Nevertheless, consulting with university professionals can be
very helpful in understanding what college students may be going through
at any particular time and in helping a parent develop a plan for how to
help. The UW Parent/Family Resource Service (Phone: 206-616-3936) is
available to help with questions about this process.
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Campus visits
Although some students may be reluctant to admit it, most very much
appreciate visits from home, especially if they include dining out
and/or shopping for a few necessities. Showing parents around the
campus can be an important way for many students to bring two of their
important worlds together. Whereas many may enjoy drop-in visits,
most prefer visits that are planned. Since deciding what to do during
your visit may take a little planning, e.g., consulting with an older
student experienced in these matters, a little lead time is usually
appreciated. (Note: planned visits do not guarantee that you will
find tidy rooms!)
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Visits home
Because your son or daughter has been living
independently, he or she may view some of the house rules that were in
place during high school as unrealistic. It is important to discuss their
feelings about this so that a common understanding can be reached,
preferably before they arrive home.
For those returning home for their first visit, catching up with
high school friends can be a major time commitment that may interfere
with a parent's plans for "family time." Try not to personalize these
choices by keeping a sense of humor about the process. It will make
the time you DO have with them more positive and memorable.
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Trust them
The college experience represents the first opportunity for most
students to try out newly-gained independence. Because many
situations are new to first-year students, expect them to make a few
mistakes. When they do, it is important to keep in mind that few of
the mistakes they make will be irrevocable or disastrous. And, many of
them will be surprisingly similar to the mistakes made by most other
college students. One thing is certain, however, your son or
daughter will learn from the mistakes he or she makes and will be much
more skilled and confident in dealing with similar situations in the
future. Trusting them when they need it most will go a long way
towards assuring this.
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Other information parents should know
Most 18 and 19 year olds who enter college for the first time are
faced with several important developmental challenges separate from
those posed by their academic coursework. To the degree these
challenges are mastered determines in large part how quickly they will
adjust to the university environment. They include: learning to live
with others (for many it is the first time they have shared a space
with someone other than a family member); making decisions regarding
self-regulation (e.g., whether and/or how much to eat, sleep, drink,
study, etc.); and making preliminary decisions about what they are
going to do with the rest of their life (selecting a major or a career
option).
Although most students quickly master these challenges, a
few have difficulty with one or several of them. Fortunately, the college
environment as a whole is geared to help students gain mastery over them.
If you notice that your son or daughter is having an especially difficult
time with one or more of these issues, you may want to encourage them to
seek out the services of one of the institution's professional advisors or
counselors including those from the Counseling Center, Hall Health
Center, UW Student
Legal
Services, Residence
Life, and the Gateway
Center.
