July 11, 2002
Quiz book eyes women, relationships
Make no mistake about it, UW sociologist Pepper Schwartz’s new book is the print version of a “chick flick.” The book, The Lifetime Love and Sex Quiz Book, is targeted at women, and for a good reason.
“Women — particularly those who are 25 to 45 — think endlessly about relationships,” said the UW professor and relationship expert. “If you wrote a book like this for men, only your brother might buy it. But if you write it for women, they will take it to men. Women will make it into a game and use it with their guys, perhaps answering the questions together.”
The book, just published by Hyperion, consists of 37 quizzes — all of which are based on psychological and sociological research — that readers can use to improve their self-knowledge. Half of the quizzes are new, while the other half were initially developed by Schwartz for the Lifetime Television Network and a now-defunct Web site.
The tests are broken into four broad categories: dating and what you need to know about yourself to find what you’re looking for; what kind of love do you want and how to maintain love in a relationship; handling conflict and major decisions; and building a great sex life.
Schwartz said the book can help people by providing self-knowledge and useful information in a palatable way. However, the book is not meant to be a replacement for therapy with a licensed clinician.
“If we don’t see ourselves accurately and we are not honest about what we want, we can’t ever correct things,” Schwartz said. “People do things over and over that defeat them with no idea that they doing it. If you give them some awareness you can end this tail-chasing behavior. You want them to see if they are doing a behavior and ask questions about what they are doing.”
The book goes beyond questions and answers, offering analysis of what each question measures so people can get a clearer look at themselves. For example, one of the quizzes asks readers if they fight fair. It is based on the findings of Schwartz’ UW colleague, marital researcher John Gottman, and it explores what people do when they fight.
“Many people don’t know how important it is to resolve arguments in a marriage, and this test gives insights into how you fight and how you might consider changing your behavior.”
Take one of the quizzes, “Do you Fight Fair?” below:
Reprinted with permission from The Lifetime Love and Sex Quiz Book
Do you fight fair?
Sure, you fight – about money, sex, his dirty socks on the floor or your damp stockings hanging in the bathtub. Fighting is perfectly normal, and it doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. It’s how you handle these fights that predicts whether you’ll be together for the long haul. Take this quiz to see if you’re a prizefighter or a playground bully.
Respond TRUE or FALSE.
1. Arguing stresses me out, so when we fight, I usually withdraw and hide my feelings.
2. I think expressing negativity just makes things worse.
3. I have trouble sticking to the issue at hand and often bring up things from the past that have annoyed me. After all, we’re fighting!
4. I’m always analyzing my guy’s personality and pointing out things that upset me. For example, I say things, such as, “If you weren’t so stubborn, this never would have happened.”
5. When we argue, I often feel about one millisecond away from exploding.
6. I wait until I’m 100 percent certain that I am right about an issue before bringing it up.
7. When I get really mad, the insults fly.
8. When we argue, I often feel disgusted with my partner – and let him know it.
9. If my partner criticizes me for something, I reciprocate by telling him how he falls short.
10. When my partner doesn’t seem to get what I’m saying during an argument, I’ll repeat my point several times.
11. I admit it: Sometimes during an argument I’m barely listening to my partner, because I’m too busy thinking about my next retort.
12. I feel as if we have the same fight over and over.
SCORING
Give yourself one point for each TRUE response.
0-4 points
You’re a lover, not a fighter. Sure, you fight – but you do it right. Chances are that your relationship is going along swimmingly, and when you hit a bump, you have the tools to smooth things over. Judging by your quiz results, you and your mate are stellar fighters.
5-8 points
You fight right – sometimes. You’ve developed some strong fighting skills, but unfortunately, you lose sight of these (and your temper) in the heat of the moment – and that can overshadow the good stuff.
9-12 points
You’re a lean, mean, fighting machine. Let’s just say that fighting isn’t your strong point. You are your partner could probably benefit from seeing a therapist to help you sort out your quarreling quandaries. Chances are, you’ll be amazed – and comforted – by how much both of you could gain from some fair-fighting tips.
ANALYSIS
1. A FALSE response indicates that you fight fair. Refusing to show your emotions can be as hurtful to a relationship as constant bickering. While it may seem impressive to say, “We never fight,” being in a don’t-ask, don’t tell relationship causes negative feelings to fester.
2. The reasoning that negativity will only hurt a relationship seems perfectly logical, except that if your partner doesn’t know what’s in your head and heart, there won’t be an opportunity to make things better. So bring up the tough stuff. The short-term pain is worth the longer-term gain.
3. As soon as you utter the words, “You always do this,” or, “You never do that,” you’re setting yourself up for an even bigger argument, peppered with accusatory statements such as, “Oh yeah? What about that time ten years ago when . . .” and, “If that’s the way you see me, why should we bother with this relationship?” Sweeping condemnations and grudge-holding will get you nowhere. A better idea: Stick to whatever it is you’re fighting about at the moment, and focus on each other’s actions.
4. It’s tempting, though unproductive, to resort to faultfinding. But while it’s fine – and even necessary – to complain about something your partner does (or doesn’t do), when you go after who he is, you’re inviting an angry, defensive response. Save the heart-to-heart about each other’s personality flaws for a time when you’re both in a supportive frame of mind.
5. If you’re really going to blow your top, one of two things is happening: (a) You’ve waited too long to deal with your anger; or (b) You’ve got anger management issues. If it’s the former, by the time you ‘fess up to your real feelings, you’re too upset to be rational. If you typically have a hard time dealing with anger (you lose your temper instantaneously, shout, hit or leave – none of which is fair and one of which is illegal), your chances of solving your problems plummet. Learn how to recognize when you are about to lose it (your pulse quickens, your heart pounds, you get red in the face) and excuse yourself until you can approach the issue like the mature, reasonable person you want to be.
6. To get to the bottom of any disagreement, you have to be willing to figure out your role in causing the problem. If you assume you’re always right, you’ll have trouble hearing your mate’s point of view. In a truly fair fight, each person has a chance to win (or at least make a few points).
7. If you call your partner names, something is wrong between you that may eventually unravel your relationship. You need to learn how to disagree without being hurtful. (Hint: Couples therapy can help.)
8. Does rolling your eyes, smirking at his remarks or laughing derisively at his points sound familiar? If it does, it has to stop. Mutual respect has to be demonstrated or nothing constructive can take place. Contempt can be lethal to a relationship.
9. Counterattacks don’t resolve anything, even if your comeback is technically accurate. The next time you find yourself putting your partner down, try taking a deep breath, and then consider the complaint and address it.
10. You may think that you’re just trying to explain yourself, but face it: Your guy isn’t likely to find your argument any more compelling the fifth time.
11. If you pretend to be listening, and your partner can tell that you’re not, tht will just stoke his resentment. A better way to fight: Listen first, then share your feelings and try to respond to what your mate said. Otherwise, he may stop taking part in discussions altogether.
12. If you responded TRUE, the two of you really haven’t found an effective way to resolve your differences. If you never make progress on important issues, your relationship is in danger. It’s important for a couple to feel that they understand each other and can work out their problems.
