June 2, 1997
For a happy Father’s Day, divorced dads need to look beyond the support check to involvement in their children’s lives
Father’s Day just may be the loneliest day of the year for that much-maligned group of males — divorced dads.
“It is easy to get angry at divorced fathers because they are stereotyped as deadbeats,” says Pauline Erera, a University of Washington assistant professor of social work. “For hundreds of years fathers were cast as breadwinners, but now in this decade we want so much more: they should be attentive, caring, involved and attend the birth of their children. But men are still judged only on one major factor, do they or don’t they pay child support.”
Erera, who recently completed a study of divorced fathers in the United States and Israel, says that it’s time to understand fathers beyond the issue of money even though the idea of making divorced fathers pay more child support is popular among social planners and politicians. “The best interest of the children is not only the paycheck, but a male who is reliably in their lives.”
And being involved with their children also seems to benefit men. “Divorced fathers who are involved with their children tend to be happier, their lives are fuller and more meaningful and they are not driven with guilt,” she says.
Erera found a number of similarities relating to divorce and fathering by divorced dads in the U.S and Israel. In both countries mothers receive custody of children about 90 percent of the time, and visitation policies and the economic and psychological consequences of divorces are similar. There also are differences. Israel is a more family- oriented society, and the importance of the family is reflected in a relatively low divorce rate of 20 percent, compared with more than 50 percent in the U.S.
Most non-custodial Israeli fathers live in the same community as their children, compared with American fathers who tend to live in different towns. Partially because of this geographic proximity, Erera says Israeli fathers visit and phone their children more often than do Americans and are more flexible in their visitations. American dads, on the other hand, are generally more reliable in showing up for scheduled visits than Israelis and engage in a wider variety activities when they saw their children.
For American fathers, involvement with their children — frequency of visits and phone calls plus regularity of visits and child-rearing activities — was most associated with demographics. Fathers who live closer to their children, are younger and more educated, report being more involved with their children. For Israeli fathers, Erera says involvement with their children was mostly associated with personal and interpersonal factors. The more children tend to be on a father’s mind and be considered to be an important part of his life, and the more an Israeli’s relationship with his former spouse was perceived as supportive, the more the father was involved with his children.
“As a group, non-custodial fathers tend to be bitter,” says Erera. “While their ex- wives are over-loaded, they are under-loaded with family responsibilities. Even the most amicable divorce is painful and is associated with anger, hostility and unfinished business. It means fathers are starting a new odyssey with conflicts, anger and often leaving their homes. Yet, somehow they are supposed to maintain a loving, devoted relationship with their children while beginning a physically separated existence from them.
“Obviously becoming a non-custodial father is not easy. There are no role models and men are still in an embryonic state. They need to invent a model for themselves,” she says.
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For more information, contact Erera at (206) 616-1552 or at ererap@u.washington.edu.
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