Skills for Successful Mentees

Typically in a mentoring relationship, much discussion and thought is spent on determining the skills of the mentor. In addition, there are skills that mentees need in order to be successful.

What skills do you think might be helpful to you as a mentee?

Asking Questions

The basis of a mentoring relationship is imparting information from one person to another. Left to chance, a mentee will get the information, advice, or guidance that the mentor wants to give, or thinks is helpful, which may be enough in many cases. However, since the relationship is primarily for the mentee's benefit, being able to ask for what you want, need, and are curious about is an important skill for mentees. High quality questions can help you get what you really want from your mentor and make the best use of the time you spend with him or her.

Journalists have long known the key questions to ask: Who? What? When? Where? Why? and How? Using these questions as a guide to developing inquiries for your mentor, you can begin to build productive questions.

Skill Practice

You have been given a lead from your mentor about an opportunity to serve on a committee that you would love to be involved in. Using a journalist's questions, write down at least three quality questions to ask your mentor.

Listening Skills

All the best questions in the world are useless unless you can actively listen for the information that will be helpful to you. Here are four points to bear in mind to help you listen.

Listen for central ideas. Listen for ideas that your mentor repeats and provides examples of. Typically, when an idea or concept is core to us, we will repeat and expound upon it to ensure another person understands us.
Determine what is of personal value to you in your mentor's conversation. Once you've identified the central idea, consider how it applies to you. This will help reinforce the learning, since you can now better identify with your mentor's message.
Identify and eliminate as many of your "trigger" words as possible. Almost everyone has certain words that cause an emotional reaction. These emotional reactions can cause us to get off track in our listening and our thinking. To combat these reactions, become familiar with your trigger words. Keep track of your next few conversations to see what words or phrases trigger an emotional reaction in you. Give some thought as to why those words trigger those reactions. Once you've identified those words and phrases, you can be more conscious when you hear them, and you'll find it easier to maintain attention and concentration when you do.
Learn to keep pace--speed of thought vs. speed of speech. Most people can think five to six times faster than another person can talk. Regardless of how interested we are in the speaker, this difference in pace of thought and speech often results in daydreaming or mind-wandering on the part of the listener. Give some thought to things you can do to stay engaged when your mind starts to wander.

Building Trust

A mentoring relationship is based on trust. As a mentee, you are placing a great deal of trust in your mentor to provide you with helpful guidance. At the same time, mentors are trusting that mentees will not take advantage of the relationship (e.g., wasting your mentor's time, repeating information not intended for others, asking for favors, inappropriately using the relationship). Building trust can take time; our behaviors can accelerate the time it takes. Give some thought about what behaviors can help you quickly establish trust with your mentor.

Finding Your Comfort Zone

Many mentoring relationships will pair a mentee with a high-level or prominent leader. Research has shown that these relationships are sometimes slow to develop because the mentee is often uncomfortable with their mentor. This discomfort can come from a variety of factors. Mentees reported that they were afraid to make mistakes or appear vulnerable in front of their mentors; they had trouble viewing their mentors as partners and they considered their own problems and needs as insignificant.

A reluctant or hesitant mentee can be frustrating to a mentor, particularly a mentor who is high-level or prominent, so it's important that you develop techniques to become comfortable early on in your mentoring relationship.

How would you find your comfort zone with a high-level or prominent leader?

Most of us can become more comfortable in any situation by being prepared. What are some ways you can prepare for your mentoring relationship? Some ideas include:

Having a written list of questions before each meeting.
Preparing a concrete set of goals and objectives for your mentoring relationship.
Visualizing conversations between your mentor and you as if you've known him or her for a long time.
Researching your mentor's background.
Preparing conversation points.

Resolving Differences

In any relationship, at times there are disagreements or misunderstandings, and a mentoring relationship is no different. Keeping in mind that mentoring relationships are partnerships, it's important to accept that you have a right to express yourself when you want to make adjustments to the mentoring relationship. However, it's just as important to make sure that you resolve differences appropriately, professionally, and respectfully. Some examples of differences that might crop up in a mentoring relationship include:

Getting advice or guidance that you don't agree with. Instead of arguing with your mentor or just ignoring the advice, approach the situation with a sense of curiosity. Ask yourself and/or your mentor questions about the advice. For example: "That suggestion doesn't feel right, but I'm not sure why," or "My situation doesn't seem quite right for that idea. Can we talk about what doesn't fit and why?"
Your mentor doesn't show up for an appointment you had scheduled and didn't call. This is another time for curiosity. Instead of saying "You missed our meeting yesterday," approach your mentor with the goal of finding out information rather than blaming. "I had put on my calendar that we were meeting yesterday, did I get confused?"
It feels like your mentor is telling you what you should do, rather than letting you rely on them for a sounding board and then solve your own problems. Often, mentors feel that giving advice is what they're supposed to do and is what is expected of them. You can help your mentor build their mentoring skills by articulating what you expect of them up front. You might say something like this: "I have a situation at work that I'd like to talk to you about. I have some ideas of how to approach it, and I'm hoping you can listen to my ideas and ask me questions to help me get to the right solution." Or at the beginning of your relationship, let your mentor know up front that you don't expect them to know all the answers, but are looking forward to having someone you can bounce ideas off of and who will help you solve your own problems.

Making the Moment(s) Count

Unless we reflect upon our experiences, we can often miss out on the gems in moments we spend with others, including our mentor. Keeping a mentoring journal is one suggestion for capturing and remembering the lessons you learn through this important relationship. After each meeting, ask yourself what you learned from the meeting and how you can apply the learning. Summarize your responses to these questions and share them with your mentor. Let your mentor give you feedback and then ask him or her--as well as yourself--if there's anything else you've learned through the meeting.

Next Section of the Mentee Guide

Managing a Successful Relationship

Job Search Tools